you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
