Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
