I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
