Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
