It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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