I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize