I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
