you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
