Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
