She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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