I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
