Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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