Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
pray to the hookup gods
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
