I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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