Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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