census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
