She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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