Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
