I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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