No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
