somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
