Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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