im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
