Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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