Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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