I want to have your abortion
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
