So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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