I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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