On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
