You're a womanizer and a bitch.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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