My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize