I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
