Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
there was a trapeze. enough said
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
