Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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