I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
