watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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