the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
