i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
