I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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