i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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