She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
