wakey wakey hands off snakey
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I wish you could order shots online.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
