new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
