I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
