Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
