Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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