If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
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