I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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