i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
