how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
