I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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