Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
