I intend to get homeless drunk
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
