JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
