you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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