i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Send help, water and tortillas.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
