i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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