Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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