come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
