It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
