then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
