My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
